leotard's Diaryland Diary

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as i was walking home i passed two young men wearing the same outfit, the iconic uniform of the working man. black boots, black canvas pants, white t-shirts covered with navy blue industrial flannel. they were sitting on the sidewalk, backs to the bus stop shelter. their heads pointed towards each other, one man's arm reaching out in front of them and holding a phone, the other man's arm stretched out away from him holding a cigarette. they were in a perfect renaissance pose, costumed in wpa worker clothes and participating in the 2010s watching a youtube video or something like that. it actually startled me to see them like that, i was sort of scared that i had stepped out of the truman show script or something, but after recovering, i was filled with big humanity "we didn't start the fire" feelings.

we have four pints of ben and jerry's ice cream in our freezer right now. we must be hedonists.

i have one very ugly toe that i refer to (all the time, people always want to hear me pontificate on my feet) as my runner's toe. this is because there is an ugly blister that is trying to become a callous but never quite getting there because then i go running again.

i love running, that is the net outcome of my complicated feelings about it. i love it. i love a concentrated listening time. i love feeling an ease of mental health symptoms. at this point i love the ritual i have created that includes it. i do not love the terrible purple and terrible yellow colors everything is painted in. truly hideous colors. my coworker asked me how i liked this gym and i told her, if you only need cardio machines and free weights/weight machines and you can handle the color scheme, it's great! but it is truly grotesque.

another thing i love is my ipod. it has so many gigs i can put everything i've ever wanted on it. pretty much. i really like making playlists for myself. i have one for songs that i'm working on because when i'm walking around and listening to them, certain things become clear. this one needs to be faster, this one needs some drum fills, etc. i have one for running because i'm very picky about songs i like to run to, but i'm also now able to listen to podcasts and run, couldn't do that before. i have one for songs i'm currently obsessed with and want to hear again and again. if you keep that going for long enough, it becomes a sort of audio journal and i love that aspect.

but lately i've been very interested in the shuffle function. i never liked it before because i had never konmaried my digital music collection before. now that i'm starting to do that, almost all of the music that comes up i'm interested in. it might not always be the right song at the moment, but often it will be sort of illuminating and a nice treat. for instance, it's been hard for me to listen to any punk music for years, but "i'm the one" but descendents came on and "86" by green day and most importantly "shelly" by the dance hall crashers (not all in a row) and i've come around to appreciating the sort of activating energy that i was drawn to when i was a teenager.

this is a post about things i love: ice cream, running, ipod, observing strangers and waxing romantic about them, an ugly toe.

more to that:
learning about people who are not me via podcasts
silk scarves with beautiful patterns
a new white board with which to make visual MANIFESTATIONS
seltzer water
j so excited about his new adidas
boogie boarding in chilly water next to seals
finding nice things to hang on the wall
getting to know my sisters a little better
these weird "energy bites" which are cookies masquerading as something healthier (actually a little bit healthier)
youtubers who are funny and creative and out there hustling for their art


i need to activate my drive. it's easy to be satisfied with daydreams. i love daydreams and will never give them up or feel ashamed, but i know it's not enough. it's all about the work, whatever happens.

that reminds me that i need to listen to that song from like 2000 by bewitched. at our dorm's diner, there was a jukebox and one night we were up late and played that song on repeat. i pushed past the cringey feeling of reluctance to acceptance.

7:16 p.m. - May 21, 2018

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