leotard's Diaryland Diary



everything ricky posted about his brother was so relatable to me.

crystal said he is someone she will often tell stories about to people who have never met him, and i bet that is true for many of us who were close to him.

it's weird, people mentioning what a great person he was. i think that's a natural inclination, but. i don't think he was as good a person as he was a unique and amazing person. his reach was wide and his influence was so strong. you could start to see how he affected the humor, turns of phrases, styles, and music in our friend group at large. he was kind and inquisitive, prolifically creative and inspiring, very funny, and he could also be callous and manipulative. mourning him feels like mourning one of the best times of my life for how involved in that time he was. but i can't even mourn, it feels so abstract.

i met him when my band somehow decided to be pretend investigators at the mtc and chris was one of the missionaries practicing the discussions on us. we all ended up talking mostly about music, mostly the microphones. we haven't been in contact much for the last ten years but about a month or two ago he texted me saying he was thinking of moving back here and working at the library, so i gave him some tips. i'm ashamed to say i felt a bit of dread to potentially have him back in my life to some degree. now i wish he would've made it out here and i feel like i let him down somehow, cosmically wishing he wouldn't.

something crystal and i talked about recently is...what do you do when someone's mental illness is so dire that it's actually painful in this soul-crushing way to be around them? how much of yourself should you throw into helping someone who may not get any better, may only get worse? it sounds so harsh, but i think anyone who has ever loved someone very ill in this kind of way will understand. there doesn't seem to be any wisdom on this, no protocol at all.

i wish everyone he was friends with during that time could magically appear at his funeral because i desperately want to look into the faces of people i love and i like who were there and who know.

2:50 p.m. - June 20, 2018


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